Defeat your dragons: How to get rid of anger, jealousy and rage
Автор: Ольга Мастерских,Университет практической психологии
The very first step in mastering your emotions will be an honest confession to yourself that you are angry, angry or offended and emotions overwhelm your thoughts and body so that they prevent you from living happily. Once you have admitted this to yourself, then you are ready for the second step: the usual work of a documentary journalist.
Take a piece of paper or open a word document on your computer and describe everything that happens to you.
Write everything that comes to mind about the situation and about your feelings in it, tell about all the participants of these events. It is much better to throw out everything that has accumulated on paper than on a person or leave it burning in the depths of your own soul. Since no one else will read this, you can afford to be completely frank and honest.
The third step will require very little from you: drink tea or coffee, wash the dishes or do 50 squats, you can take a walk in the fresh air. You need a pause to switch yourself into a new role.
The new role will be that of an Expert. Imagine that you are now an Expert who is completely unfamiliar with the author of your manuscript, did not take part in what happened, and will read everything for the first time. Personally, you do not care what happens in your life, and your Expert is absolutely indifferent to what is happening. He is a calm and confident person with a huge life experience. His main task is to assess the situation and give a wise hint to the author of this letter. With this attitude, open your notes and read them as if you don't feel anything. It's like reading a letter from your barely familiar, but good person for the first time and you are not at all offended by what he writes. You are an Expert at work and parse email. If you feel that you have fallen out of the role of an Expert, then ... do another 50 squats, they will help you get back into the right image.
The Expert has an important task: he needs to answer a number of questions in writing in order to forward reasonable recommendations to the author of the letter. The author of the letter asks the Expert to answer a number of questions.
1) What happened in the life of the author of the letter? The expert is obliged to state the facts of the incident in three phrases. Only facts and no descriptions of feelings and emotions. Once again: only the facts of what happened!
2) To whom are the emotions and feelings of the author of the letter addressed? The expert is obliged to make a list of all the persons present to whom the emotions and feelings of the author are addressed. It happens that the addressees did not participate in the situation, but exists in the past or present. (This may be, for example, a mother, whose intonation was spoken by the most important enemy). Therefore, the Expert should be calm and attentive when reading the letter.
3) What does the author of the letter want from those people to whom his emotions and feelings are addressed? The expert will calmly and steadily list all those desires that he will see from the letter or the author of the letter had in mind. Usually at this stage, emotions and feelings have already subsided a lot, but you should continue your work on yourself, since this is a temporary phenomenon. Unsolved tasks can habitually cause negative emotions. We continue our occupation.
4) When both the addressees are known and the desires are determined, it is necessary to prepare solutions to the situation. Your desires are already known to your Expert, so the Expert's task is to determine the desires of other participants in what happened. Again, he makes a wish list in writing, but now other people. This is necessary in order to understand how other people can be interested in solving the situation in favor of the author of the letter.
5) The next step, the Expert prepares a plan (scenario) of negotiations, thinks over ways to reach agreements. If there is an opportunity, it is best to use the help of specialists in this matter and go to the negotiation training. There you can prepare a plan (scenario) of negotiations and practice it. But if this is not possible, then we continue on our own.
6) Trust your Expert to come up with several DIFFERENT ways of behavior for the author of the letter in the negotiation scenario. It is best to come up with at least ten different ways of behavior of the AUTHOR of the letter! Humorous, serious, tragic, comic, guiding, parental, strategic, emotional, emotionless, journalistic, psychotherapeutic, childish, adolescent, utopian, philosophical, how else can the author of the letter behave? There can be a lot of ways. For convenience, you can try to try on different roles for the author of the letter: how would he, the author, behave in negotiations if he were a professor, a supervisor, a librarian, a firefighter, a boss, a subordinate, an accidental thief, a guest from the Far North or a foreigner. This is the end of the Expert's work. And you have a scenario of negotiations and your actions. As you understand, you have already agreed with the dragons of emotions and they are ready to obey you!
You can go even further and make lemonade from sweetened lemon. Invite your friends to visit and try to play the negotiation scenario together with them. This is both fun entertainment and working out the scenario of successful negotiations and smart tips from friendly disinterested people. Such a role-playing game is often funny, adds a taste of life and is remembered for a long time. And as a result, you will have a very strong trump card in the upcoming negotiations: you have already experienced them, received good advice and even won. There will be only a little left - to realize everything in life. Successful dragon taming for you!