The head of the family puts things in order
What it is - the head of the family and what his duties are, look here, and in this article I will show you an example of a conversation where there is a conflict and how to solve it. I will give you an example of a serious conversation that a real man will have with his beloved wife who loves her. Yes, the WE family will be mentioned here (as opposed to the I + I family), also look at the links.
So, let's move on to the conversation.
In this conversation, there is a simple idea: in any case, there should be a senior. Whatever you call him-leader, commander, chief-but in any case, there must be someone who keeps order. If there is no senior, there is no order. Two commanders means there is no one commander. A car doesn't have two steering wheels. Yes?
So the discussion in the family - it will be productive when the family has the head of the family: the one who makes the final decision. There is no main thing in the family - you will discuss the simplest questions for hours and generate conflicts out of the blue. And if there is a head of the family in the family, what is there to swear about? The problem arose - the couple discussed the problem. The husband listened to his wife, saw the situation from different angles with her help, and made a decision based on this. And as accepted-and voiced. Well, that's all, there is nothing more to argue about, then you just need to perform. We kissed - and go! Isn't everything wonderful? A fairy tale, and only!
Unfortunately, today the culture of such relationships is lost. I am often asked to show and tell: how can this happen in reality? Is this even real? Really. I repeat: reasonable people do it. I'll show you how.
Shall we start?
My wife stayed up late in the evening and did not respond to the request to go to bed. Her husband closed her laptop and sent her to bed, and she left with a grumble and a disgruntled face. How does the husband react to this?
In the morning, the husband with a thoughtful face during Breakfast says: "I Have a conversation with you. You didn't want to go to bed last night, so I took it upon myself to put you to bed. In response, I heard intonation, as if I'm not a loving, bad person who hurt you. I don't like it, and I think it's your fault. I want to find out. If I misunderstood your tone and you were angry with yourself and not with me, I apologize. If I heard them correctly, then please tell me how to put you to bed, so that you do not feel offended and you only thank me for this help? I will be ready to learn the right words and intonation, my love!»
I don't know…
Well, I understand, then I ask you to think about it, find and tell me the appropriate wording for you. And until you come up with something, I will take care of you as much as I can, and I will give you a kiss on this cheek for this concern of mine! You can start now!
And I don't want you to put me to bed! – I don't want you to stay up past midnight." What are we going to do? – I can't do this! (And upset).
Executive order on the family. First: we go to bed on time. Accepted? (Yes…). Second, if I perform my duties as head of the family and put you to bed, you don't take offense, but you kiss me. Yes? (Yes...). And third: you can't get upset during a serious conversation. This pressure is on me. You can discuss it, but you can't push me. Yes? (Yes...).
This is usually the end of it for reasonable people, and we are very happy for them. However, in more difficult cases, you will have to fight a little more. Really, and if it sounds: "No, I don't agree! These are my feelings! You don't respect me!"
Well, it happens that way. Play on? Let's go!
So, order in the family. First: we go to bed on time. Accepted? (Yes…). Second, if I perform my duties as head of the family and put you to bed, you don't take offense, but you kiss me. Yes? (Yes...). And third: you can't get upset during a serious conversation. This pressure is on me. You can discuss it, but you can't push me.
No, I don't agree! These are my feelings! You don't respect me!
No noise. I respect you, and your feelings… I respect some of your feelings very much, but I don't respect your frustrations and resentments. This is the pressure you put on me under the guise of misery, this is gross manipulation and a violation of our family's rules. If you want to be sad, be sad at a different time, not during a serious conversation.
To forbid my feelings is selfish! You think about yourself, this is not a family WE are!
It's not, you're wrong. Let's say your husband wants to drink. He's quiet, he doesn't hit his wife-should I let him drink? If the wife thinks about herself, it is easier for her to allow the man to drink: there is less trouble, and the man will be enough for 15 years. That's enough for her. If the wife of her husband loves and cares for him, she will not allow him to drink and will fight for him.
So it is with us. If we had a family I+I and I would think about my personal convenience, I would say: "Be sad for God's sake, I don't care. I'll mind my own business, I don't care how you behave. Taking care of you and re-educating you is a hassle and strain, it's easier for me to let you be sad." I don't want you to get used to playing the Unfortunate Victim, I don't want you to get into the habit of getting upset instead of thinking, the habit of pushing instead of discussing. I don't want you to be a miserable, worried fool in 15 years. I want you to stay smart, loved, and the best for a long, long time, all your life. I love you, I will fight for you and I will not allow you such debauchery and ugliness. Because we are a family!
And if you think that this is not my concern for you, but my selfishness, then from now on this will be the only topic of our discussions. We need to figure this out. You don't have to live with an egoist, do you?! Do you agree with me? .